The last 24 hours have been rough as far as my toddler is concerned.
And it’s only 10 AM. :(
Lord help me.
My sister in law, Bryony, called me the other day and we chatted about some parenting books that she is reading to help with her newborn and his sleep patterns. She read to me the following excerpt from the book  The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems by Tracy Hogg.
We were DYING. Seriously too funny. Since we both have a three year old within 6 weeks of each other, we seem to pass through the same stages of toddler life within a pretty close time frame, so we really, really could relate to this passage. I asked her type it out and email it to me.
I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!
The Toddler Miracle Diet
Consult your Physician Before Following This Regimen
Breakfast: 1 scrambled egg, 1 piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: 4 crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only,then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, 2 pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or 1 vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
Breakfast: 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat 1 with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: 3 matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (ant flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-Aid and suck up with a straw.
Jake’s playdough snowman that he made a dinner the other day…which I am quite sure he ate more of the playdough then the mac and cheese.

6 thoughts on “Toddlers…*SIGH*

  1. 1
    Emily says:

    Oh Amy…hilarious!! My favorite meal: "A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel". YUM :) I wonder how many calories that is?

  2. 2
    Us Four & No More says:

    Hey, I'll shove a dry bean up my nose if it will be beneficial to my rear-end… =)

  3. 3
    Dear Lillie says:

    Haha! This is too funny!

  4. 4
    Mande says:

    Love it!! My favorite post yet!!

  5. 5
    Prencie says:

    Yippeee! You fixed me, my blog feed that is:)

    I feel ya! From what I read above, it sounds a LOT like a normal day for me!! I am not even kidding!! Sometimes I look at my kids poop to see what illegal things they ate that day, gross I know! But you have no idea the things I find in my childs mouth!! I am astonished on a daily basis.

  6. 6
    Jenni says:

    Serious belly laughs outta this one! WOW Amy, you are FUNNY!

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