Can Not…

Right now my son is in his room. Due to his horrible behavior when I was trying to drop him off at the babysitters this morning, he will spend quite some time there. My head is pounding and my throat hurts. My house is a wreck and I have gobs to do today. I am so very tired. 
And I feel like a huge failure.
Have you ever felt that way?? I especially felt that way this past weekend and the beginning of this week. If you read yesterdays post then you know I had to make a quick trip up to Santa Rosa at the last minute. The reason why is not really necessary to discuss, but even that reason is enough to make me feel frustrated and very alone. 
And the worst part about having to go up for the weekend is that I had a very big weekend planned here at home. I had one thing after another that needed to be tended to. My nephew’s first birthday, my other nephew’s church dedication, a tea with my pastors wife, an appointment with a customer, shipments that needed to be sent. They were all canceled at the last minute. Some of the people where understanding. Some were not. 
That made me feel worse. 
I found this on this beautiful blog that you should check out…
Click HERE to buy this. As soon as I finish paying bills, I will be getting this wonderful poster for my office area.
I think at some point I need to recognize that my desire to do everything and try to do it well is not possible. Furthermore, I think I need to understand that it is ok to say NO. To say, “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to do that.” Regardless of what people might think of me, it doesn’t make me less of a Christian. It doesn’t make me less of a person. 
But it DOES make me a better wife, a better parent, a happier person. 
So why is it so hard to do?
One of my very favorite passages of Scripture is Psalm 27. It’s one of the only passages I knew pretty much by memory {that’s a huge feat seeing that I have a horrible memory and have never been good at memorizing Scripture}. Are you familiar with it? I know it best in the King James Version:

Psalm 27 

1The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

 2When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

 3Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
 4One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.
 5For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.
 6And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.
 7Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
 8When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.
 9Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.
 10When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
 11Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.
 12Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
 13I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
 14Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

I think my favorite verses are 8-10. It reminds me, if I seek HIM, even when I FAIL, even when people close to me are frustrated with me because of my FAILURE…He still loves me. So comforting!
Last night I sat on my bed and read this passage of Scripture. I rested my head in my hands and cried. I had such a beautiful God moment. You know, one of those times when you can just feel His arms around you. Have you ever felt that? It’s the best feeling. The first time I ever felt that was when I was 16 years old. I felt His arms again last night. As I sat there, I remembered the first time as a young, bright eyed teenager who had so many hopes and dreams being held by an all powerful God. And here I am, an almost 35 year old women, and I still need those arms around me today as much as I did as a teenager when the world looked so bright and promising. I still need HIM.
I’m not sure who even reads this blog, but I’m sure whoever is reading this is by now thinking I’m a little looney, and I guess that’s ok. I write all this down for my kids. I want them to understand, when they are 35 {if God tarries} that they can still cry out to Him and tell Him how much of a failure they feel. It’s ok to have a good cleansing cry and prayer meeting and ask for His help. It’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok to fail. As long as you continue to seek HIM, put Him first, you will be ok. Kids, I might fail you someday, but He never will. 
So if I have failed you over the last year {especially recently since I feel like my plate is overflowing with things to do} please forgive me. Please understand that I can not do it all. CAN NOT. My first priority is to please my Lord and Savior, then take care of my family{my kids and husband}, then take care of life. My hope and prayer is that you will understand this and extend me grace to do what I need to do. 
And a huge thank you to all my friends who have been so patient with me as of late. Words cannot express how thankful I am for you. Thank you for understanding and not tossing me to the curb. I love you all so much.
And kids. I love you. So much. When you read this someday, I hope you see that. You are the sunshine in my life. Thank you for seeing beyond my failure. Thank you for being my babies.
xoxo

11 thoughts on “Can Not…

  1. 1
    Amgilliam says:

    Amy,

    It is perfectly okay to NOT do it all. You have my permission. :)

    And to be honest, I have learned (recently) that it is most definitely OK to not do it all. It is ok to say "No, Sorry, I am not available". I'd rather be great at a few things than spread so thin that I am no good at anything.

    Prioritize, Organize and Schedule..keys to any successful career mom, in my opinion. And make sure you schedule "Me time". That is not being selfish…it's taking care of you…so that you can take care of them.

    I shamelessly schedule "me time". It's what I need. :)

  2. 2
    Sullivan's says:

    Amy – your post brought tears to my eyes. Been there, done that – although not to the extent that you are doing it. However, rest assured that someday, it will all come together and your children will know that you loved them through it all. I love you – respect and admire you and believe that you are doing a GREAT job!

    Love you, my friend!
    ss

  3. 3
    cheyenne says:

    Saying "NO" is one of the hardest things to say. But it can also be the most important things we can say. You do have a lot on your plate, but you listed your priorities in the right order. And if your critics could just imagine themselves in your shoes, they would understand that you must say "NO" at times and that it's impossible for you to get everything done all the time. Motherhood is the hardest job ever. And then to work another job while being a mom makes it even harder! Things will calm down and balance out. It just takes time and trial and error. You are going to make it! Praying for you!

  4. 4
    Jenni says:

    hang in there, i feel you and i love ya! working on the saying no thing myself…

  5. 5
    Prencie says:

    Oh Amy, I feel your pain! In more ways than one. Funny thing is that as I'm reading your post I have to admit that I haven't had the time to read all of your posts….or anyone elses at that. I have been feeling the same way you feel! I've been a lil jealous over the fact that you've got help ;) Wishing for that myself but since biz for me is always rain or shine I can't pay someone faithfully to help me:( I'm writing this and I've also got orders to finish and wrap up and get to the post. My house is ONE BIG sticky mess (due to me allowing the kids to eat wherever they want) Laundry is bursting at the seams and there's always dirty dishes!!!! I've been watching you grow at a tremdous rate and always knew that God has His hand on you, your family and your business! He will not put more on you than you can bare:) It is thru His blessings that you are in the position you are in:) I have full faith and confidence that you will find a medium ground and find a good balance. I'm still trying to find it myself:) I still have our trade nagging me in the back of my head, I've started ONE of the flowers and haven't had a spare moment to finish that ONE! Hugs and prayers going out to you:)

  6. 6
    Angela Strain Rodriguez says:

    Amy, a few years ago I was diagnosed with a condition that causes severe fatigue and muscle weakness. I, too, am one of those people who loves to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE!! However, at that time I was forced by my health issues to start saying NO. I had a toddler and a small baby to tend to, not to mention my husband. Yes, some people got upset with me, and it hurt my feelings, but with God and my husband backing me up I learned to look past it. Love you and just know that you are not alone in these feelings.
    XOXO
    Angela

  7. 7
    stephen says:

    This scripture was exactly what I needed right now. Thanks for sharing. Love you :)

  8. 8
    Emily says:

    Haha…I was signed in under Stephen's account!! That was me telling you how much I love you, not my husband. Haaaaa!

  9. 9
    Jake and Mandy says:

    This was a very timely post. I am currently burried under Bible School curriculum, national youth work & our upcoming coference. . . wife & friend hasn't been my number one job lately. BUT. Your post was a great reminder.

  10. 10
    Stephanie S says:

    Amy,

    Thanks for being so honest and open. I think a lot of times every one of us who are trying to balance ministry, careers, businesses etc, can get caught up trying to pretend like we actually can do it all. Your post was a breath of fresh air to know that everyone has days like that.

    I enjoy reading your blogs – they make me smile, laugh, sigh and nod my head in agreement – thanks for letting us share in your stories.

    God Bless you,

    Stephanie Shaw

  11. 11
    Heather :: AFD Jewelry :: says:

    Oh, Amy.

    Seasons of life, seasons of life, seasons of life. That's what I tell myself when I feel the way you're feeling (which is often.) This is just a season of life that will pass, and will become a memory. Prioritize. Working is great, a clean house would be great (oh, how I wish!) but a happy, healthy family is more important. It's ok not being able to do it all, and doing your best is enough. I have a hard time saying no (and pretty much never do) but sometimes it is absolutely necessary. Most people will understand, and those who don't – oh well, too bad.

    Try to make some time for yourself soon! Get a pedicure, or just go to Starbucks and read and be alone – a recharge is good for the soul.

    Hang in there, my friend!

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